"There's a merman in the pool."
Hannah tried not to jump to conclusions. It wasn't usually all that wise to respond too quickly to one of Monica's puzzling statements.
"I'm thinking tomato and cheese in a pita pocket. What do you think?" Hannah said casually as she peered into the fridge.
"No. We ran out of balsamic vinegar," Monica replied. "What should we do about the merman?"
"Oh. I thought you were going to the store last night." Hannah refused to show any surprise at her friend's odd statements.
"Hannah, listen to me! We have a merman in the pool and we have to do something about it. All that chlorine can't be good for him."
Hannah looked over the fridge door and looked at Monica. Maybe the stress of a rocky marriage to a man she wasn't sure she loved had finally gotten to her. But why dream up a merman? Why not another man? Or knowing Monica's proclivities, another woman?
Monica, for her part, was looking out toward the pool. She had a worried look on her face, but it was underscored by a line of wonder. How many times do you have a merman visiting your pool? And such a handsome one, no less?
Monica's impatience finally got to her, and she grabbed Hannah's hand and pull-dragged her out the back sliding doors.
"See!" Monica pointed.
Hannah's jaw dropped as she looked toward the pool.
The merman had just burst through the surface of the water, his hair was dark bronze with lighter gold and red highlights streaked through. His muscular shoulders were well defined without being over done, and they flowed out to well shaped, almost chiseled arms. Inviting. You could sink into those arms.
The merman didn't come out of the water all the way, just enough to give the girls a glimpse at a perfectly formed fin that started just below his waist. Its color mimicked flowing ocean waves with shades of green and blue accentuating sensuous peaks and valleys in all the right places. The merman was perfect.
And he knew it, too. As Hannah was realizing Monica was telling the truth, the merman flashed both girls a look that proved beyond any doubt that while the merman didn't have a tail, per se, he'd certainly had some before. Hannah and Monica both inhaled deeply and adjusted their positions to accommodate the additional feelings forming deep in their bodies. Then the merman dove back into the water with the graceful ease of experience.
Hannah was gobsmacked.
"There IS a merman in the pool!" she breathed just as Monica's husband came out to see what was going on. Daniel did a double take at Hannah, then bit his tongue. It wasn't usually all that wise to respond too quickly to one of Hannah's puzzling statements.
;)
2 comments:
Mari,
Is this your writing? I have some questions for you but not sure where to start - lol.
I think you head hop a lot and I'm not saying this as a bad thing but it confused me as to whose POV you were in within the same paragraph.
you start here with Hannah's POV
"Hannah tried not to jump to conclusions. It wasn't usually all that wise to respond too quickly to one of Monica's puzzling statements."
and then you end with the same statement
"Daniel did a double take at Hannah, then bit his tongue. It wasn't usually all that wise to respond too quickly to one of Hannah's puzzling statements."
from someone else's POV.
Is this part of a larger piece or just some musings or is this the whole story? If it's complete, I want a little more feel for your characters, although this was an amusing piece, I feel it is part of a longer piece.
I do like the way you start off - you have a definite hook but you need to tag who is talking since you haven't introduced any characters to us and don't until the end of the second paragraph. I also found myself reading back several times to figure out the relationship of the two women and then one of the women's husband walks onto the stage at the very last moment.
I like the short, quick sentences and the urgency of the piece. Keep up the good work. E :)
Yaaay! Feed back to work with!
Thank you sooooooo much!
*Heads off and starts working.*
M
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