A Shifting Hole

My life is shifting.

First I quit the nice cushy job. Big shift.

Then I started school and got a cushy job without all the pay or benefits I had. Big shift.

Now, people are sort of shifting out. Major huge shift.

It seems that some of the relationships I thought I could count on are starting to fade. Not necessarily a bad thing, just something I have to adjust to.

Actually, it probably is a good thing, at least in the short term. Next quarter looks like it's going to be pretty intense, so I'm not sure how much time I will have to talk to people anyways. Looked at in this light, having a few less distractions might be a good thing. I will be able to concentrate.

Or will I?

I don't blame it, really, on anyone in particular. If there is a mistake that's been made here, it's my mistake.

I didn't say I'm a goddess yet. I'm still in training, so I can still make mistakes.

My mistake, in this instance, is that I always meet up with and pick people who find it easy to let me simmer on the back burner. Something that fills the house up with yummy smells and pleasant associations, but only needs stirring from time to time. I get noticed when I'm burning and demand attention.

*Sighs*

It's not like I'm looking for worshipful devotion here. You don't have to walk through red hot coals for me (although sometimes it might be nice to know you're willing). I'm talking about basic stuff. Keep in touch. Toss me an email telling me your life is Hell right now, and you might not be around for a while. Send me a card telling me that you found the romance of your dreams and you were itching to share it with me. Call me and ask "hey, how goes it?" Let me know that what I think/do/feel/want matters and has validity sometimes.

The back burner gets boring. "Oh there's Mari. I guess I should talk to her."

Or worse, I wind up having to remind my "friends" I exist.

Ring ring ring. Hey, remember me? I'm someone you've known for ages. Yah, her. The one you're always saying is your best friend/sister, the woman you love.

Her.

It's a problem I've had all my life. It started with blood family, it's continued with friends and teachers in school and it's on-going with people in my life right now.

The song "Mr. Cellophane" from Chicago should not be a goddess' anthem, in training or not.

Ah well. Perhaps after I finish school I will have time to breathe again, and after I catch my breath, I can figure out how to stop this vicious pattern that leaves me constantly alone.

I want to know that my presence is actually desired and appreciated by those I've come to care about and love myself.

I have to figure it out. Goddesses aren't supposed to be alone unless they want to be.

But school comes first right?

Sorry folks. Even Goddesses have moments they spend in deep holes.